12:27 PM
Two years ago, around this time of the year, I was going through the darkest phase of my life. I remember being so numb all over as I lie down in my bed; and in an honest attempt to atleast feel something, I had to pinch and punch myself until there would be wounds and bruises in my body. I was so desperate to get out of my head, kept trying everything there is to bring me back to myself - but I couldn't. I knew it was just a matter of time until I self-destruct. I was a ticking time bomb.
Only God knows how terrified I was those days, when I couldn't find anything to hold onto. I was abandoned, left to my own misery. There was no one to trust. Every person I asked for help rejected me, telling me that everything was just in my head. They made me believe I was just asking for attention. I was so ashamed of myself but it was all so painful at the same time, because I know I wasn't going crazy. Something was really wrong and it felt so much like hell that I just wanted everything to end.
But God had plans for me. Just when I was about to do the most stupid thing, I was made to realize how much my mom, dad and brother are the best sources of strength. But the fight kept on, while my family became my reasons to live, I knew I needed another great anchor to keep going.
Desperate to find something to bring me back to myself, I tried to go back to who I was. With the littlest motivation and as my last stroke of hope, I went back to how I was when I was in college. I began attending band gigs again, met new people in the scene, relived the feeling of just being free in the midst of a crowd while holding a bottle of beer.
But as much as music is therapeutic, I knew there was still something missing. I needed to heal. I needed to forgive.
And that was when I first watched 3D's gig in Conspiracy Bar. Admittedly, I only knew Ebe Dancel as I was a fan of Sugarfree back in the days. I thought to myself that perhaps, it would be worth it to go on a laid-back acoustic gig in a very comfortable and intimate venue. And you know what? It was.
I couldn't remember how it all happened but one day, I just say myself always looking forward to his gigs at Conspi. It became a monthly ritual for me - that despite my very hectic schedule, a night with Ebe's music will still come as a priority.
Little by little, I realized how much the impact of his existence is to me. Suddenly, it all went beyond what he does; and everything centered on who he actually is.
I'm not close to him or anything. I couldn't even bring myself to ask for a picture or an autograph. It's just that I've watched his TedX Talk, read his tweets, listened to his stories, and observed how he is in person; that I have come to realize that I have found someone I can identify myself with. In an environment so mentally exhausting and abusive, I have found someone who fights the same battle as I do.
Through Ebe, I realized I'm not alone.
As someone who went through severe depression, he had unknowingly inspired me, so I can find the drive to continue. The honesty of his songs, the imperfection on his examples, the simplicity of who he is as an artist - it all came to me as a message, that in spite of what I am experiencing, life does get better.
Through him, I have learned that life is not always about being happy. You cannot always choose that, because sadness balances life. One needs to feel sad in order to define joy. And what is important is that you know how to handle the sadness. You believe that it shall pass and so you keep going. Life is a constant struggle, and Ebe taught me the greatest secret to winning it: KINDNESS.
Ebe's inspiration made me swear to myself that I will never turn my back on people who needs someone to listen; and I want to believe that despite my continuous lapses and constant imperfections, I'm doing a good job in keeping that promise.
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.
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That early morning of December 29, 2018, after the 3D gig at Conspiracy Bar, I took the courage to come up to Ebe and introduce myself as the girl who wrote the letter he read in a documentary about depression. I just needed a picture, and somehow, be able to tell him that the person he inspired is still fighting. After all, the challenges continued too and somehow it was bringing me to my knees again. So I just wanted a stronger reassurance from the very person who convinced me that I can fight.
And then when he knew who I was, he suddenly held his arms open and embraced me tight. I had to fight my whole system so tears won't fall. As I buried my face on the blades of his shoulder for a few seconds, I got to whisper something I've always wanted to tell him in person:
"Thank you for saving my life again."
I felt him embracing me tighter as he replied, "No, thank you for saving me."
The moment lasted for a minute but in another warm embrace, he told me that it gets better; and I know it will. With God, his inspiration and my family around, I know I can keep going.
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