9:48 PM
April 15, 2019
9:28 PM | Monday
With the stress of having to travel from Bulacan to Ortigas (and back) for the past five consecutive days, I'm beginning to get convinced that I'm in fact not getting any younger. My back pain is too much to bear that it is actually sending me to a bedridden state; but then I can't just stay still as it's Holy Week, and in this season, no one gets to rest.
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It's Holy Week. Normally, I would be very flustered and worried. When you're the chairperson of the Commission on Liturgy and you are majorly responsible for the turn outs of ALL the events in those seven grueling days, it is not exactly easy to just stay put and see how everything goes. For the past three years, that's how things are for me.
But this year's different. Suddenly, I don't feel so involved. Maybe it's because I had to prioritize the bank training I attended last week? But it's more like I think my people are already capable of standing, doing things, and making decisions on their own. All I needed to do was to supply the official documents and follow things up constantly.
Looking at it, I think the past three years weren't wasted, after all. Despite my inconsistencies and my lacking abilities, I want to believe that I managed to instill purposes on the minds of my people. I know it's not really a perfect leadership that I got to implement but it still comforts me that many are finally understanding the kind of service this church is demanding from them.
But of course, I'm not taking the credits. Everything is going on smoothly because of my people's own abilities. I just want to make myself believe that I got to wake their slumbering passion up.
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Maybe that's the very reason why I'm so sensitive when it comes to my 'leaders'. Lately, I've noticed that I'm turning into a criticizing machine; because my complaints about my higher-ups are becoming endless. I keep on telling myself that it's okay and that nobody's perfect, I just can't help but find faults on how things are -- mainly because I know how it is to be a leader.
I don't want to expound on it but I just hate being mandated. I mean, I follow orders and I act according to the policies and rules. I listen to my superiors even though I know what and what not to do. But despite all these, why am I constantly made to feel like I can't function without the presence of my higher-ups? Why can't I practice my own techniques, create my own set of rules without deviating from the actual procedure? Why can't I feel like I'm trusted?
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Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
How could one expect to be trusted when he couldn't trust the person he's asking it from?
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