January 2, 2020
Thursday

It's not like people read this blog post so I just want to announce that I started the year broke. HAHAHA. I had to pay something so precious this morning and I am looking forward to February for it. ♥ You see, hobbies need not to be expensive but it's not like I can do anything if I'm already way too deep. Haha. 


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Today marks the first day of the decade in the office. It wasn't so busy so my mind was just floating everywhere. The presumption that I lost my Bluetooth speaker (when it was just, in fact, inside my brother's room and he didn't tell me until I got home this evening!!!) clouded my reverie the whole day and I couldn't seem to focus. It's not like I can actually focus daily, but you get the point. My morning was basically composed of panic attacks, heart palpitations, and consistent sighs because I need to know where my speaker was. 

Anyway, I had a good start. Heechul of Super Junior and Momo of Twice were confirmed to be dating, and we've been waiting for something like this from Heenim since 2009. I had to think for myself if this is true though. We're talking about one of the dating experts in Korean entertainment so I'm pretty sure something's really up; and it wasn't supposed to be him and Momo at all. 

Honestly, I think it's someone else -- of course, this is still a public space and I can't spill the tea here. But really, I have this huge instinct that it was meant to be this another SJ member but it would cause too much damage once outed. Heenim and Momo had to reveal (or probably just own up to the rumor, we don't know???) themselves to protect this other couple. Believe me, if that gets spilled, Korea's going to go crazy. 

Heenim had always been that guy; and especially now that he's not participating with the group, I mean it when I say he probably threw himself under the bus. He would do anything for his brothers, for Super Junior.

This doesn't mean Momo was sacrificed though. I think they thought it would be a best diversion from all the negative issues surrounding Twice. I mean, Nayeon had been suffering a lot because of her crazy stalker and JYP is currently having a hard time handling all the criticisms which was probably caused by the mishaps in the group's security. 

So basically, it's a win-win situation; and if true, I really pray Heenim and Momo would be strong together. Because they both deserve that. ♥


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The highlight of my day was from a different group though. Soon was doing the VLIVE again while eating Cheese Tonkatsu when all of a sudden, a still-sleepy Jeonghan appeared. And I was this (-) close to shrieking when I saw the video because I missed him. I missed him so much.

He got his haircut yesterday, probably, that's why he was in the salon when he took photos to upload in the fan cafe. And his eyes were still so dreamy because we all know how much Jeonghan loves to sleep. Hehe. But anyway, he greeted the fans quickly, took a bite of Soon's meal and left. ♥

Just a minute, but I'm glad he looked so healthy and a lot better now. Last night, Cheol uploaded a video of himself too; so... I'm really happy we were updated of how they are. 

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The joy was short-lived somehow though. Few minutes into the end of our shift at the office, I suddenly had an anxiety attack. Everything suddenly turned sullen and all I wanted was an answer to the question: "Why am I suddenly sad?" My thoughts were running but my head was empty. It was as if there is this huge void within me that I cannot fill up. I kept on listening to different songs but nothing was making sense during the whole jeepney ride home. Something just didn't feel right, like will something bad happen? I don't know.

And then I realized that maybe, I still have to fight bigger battles this year. This got me afraid, to be honest; yet knowing it early means being able to prepare myself up for it. It's not like I can't win. I've been winning for years, what makes this year different, right?

Acceptance, really, is the key. Once you have accepted that there is something wrong in you, you get to design a battle plan to find the actual solution. Talking about my thoughts is my answer; and I wish that if you're experiencing the same thing, you get to find your calm as well.


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Unedited thoughts again. :p