Untitled #1 (MW/WW)

10:18 PM




The car just stopped in front of an unfamiliar building. Mingyu heard the door lock click open before he saw, in his periphery, their manager/driver getting off their vehicle to take out their baggage from the passenger side. Outside, there’s another manager and a bodyguard waiting for them, probably waiting in pressure as to when two members of Seventeen will come out of the car. He took a glance of the time in their dashboard, it says half past three in the afternoon. Their plane to Bangkok’s leaving in twenty minutes and they still have to go through all the usual immigration stuff.

Normally, Mingyu would be the one rushing out of the car. He has always disliked sedan vehicles because “it’s too small for his frame”. However, today is not the day where his comfort comes first. Another manager and a bodyguard was already standing outside their car, as if asking them silently when they’re getting off; but Mingyu paid no heed. There is something more important he needed to attend to that very moment.

“Love, ok ka lang?”

The younger man turned his head towards his right, his upper body shifting along. Immediately, his eyes were graced with a close view of his own definition of serenity, in the person of Jeon Wonwoo – his co-member, his best friend, his lover. Despite the limited lighting inside the car, Mingyu still allowed himself a few seconds to bask in the beauty of those feline-like eyes, thin kissable lips, and exquisite cheekbones – all owned by the person he has committed his whole heart to.

“Huy love,” Mingyu fondly broke the silence. “Pansinin mo naman ako.”

Wonwoo clicked his tongue and bit his lower lip in quick succession as he brushed his slender fingers through his dishevelled hair. He woke up a bit late so he wasn’t really able to prep up, all thanks to why he’s being abnormally silent since that early morning.

A small sigh escaped his lips as he moved closer to the younger one, who automatically wrapped an arm around his thin physique. As if on cue, Wonwoo immediately leaned on Mingyu’s shoulder and buried his nose on the side of the latter’s neck.

As his right arm wrapped around his lover’s waist, the older pulled away a little to silently look up – his eyes now glistening with unshed tears which Mingyu thought must be due to not being able to sleep well the night before. “Sorry love,” Wonwoo softly whispered. “Hindi pa rin kasi mawala sa isip ko yung panaginip ko kagabi.”

Mingyu met the elder’s stare with an affectionate gaze; and almost immediately, the corners of his lips lifted up as he let out his soft, signature chortle. He then tightened his embrace on the elder’s shoulder as he planted an undemanding kiss on the top of the latter’s head. He knew it was about last night.

“Pinagod ba kita?” The younger teased. “Gentle naman ako ah?”

Wonwoo pinched Mingyu’s upper thigh, earning a rather loud squeal from the latter. “Gago, kala mo naman pinagbigyan kita talaga?” Wonwoo pulled himself away from the embrace. He leaned back on his seat and blew a gentle raspberry.

In spite of the loss of physical contact, Mingyu comfortably shifted back to his own place in the car. “Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa`yo na hindi ko hahayaan na mangyari yung mga naiisip mo?” He whispered in a still engaging tone, but this time, with more gravity on it. “Mukha bang hahayaan kitang masaktan?”

Wonwoo looked up at his lover, his eyes gazing with what Mingyu now identifies as unshed tears. “Last time we were in Bangkok, we were almost caught. I saw what they’re all saying on Twitter. The company must have seen the comments too,” he paused. “Pano kung magkatotoo yung panaginip ko na paghiwalayin tayo?”

A deep sigh escaped Mingyu’s lips the moment he saw one stray tear fell down from Wonwoo’s eyes. Sensing the looming anxiety attack, the younger immediately held the other’s hands and gently caressed it, providing all kinds of assurance.

“Una sa lahat, love,” Mingyu brought cupped Wonwoo’s face and made their eyes meet. “Alam naman ng lahat kung anong meron tayo.”

Wonwoo nodded in understanding. He knew that, he really knew that. But still, he can’t help but feel anxious knowing what kind of detrimental powers their current mother company has, especially now that they’re gaining traction in the West. He just fears for the possibility of their relationship turning into a collateral damage, the price they have to pay for the fame they never actually asked for. It’s what happened with other idols they know, after all.

“Tangina kasing panaginip yon eh,” he murmured in annoyance. “Ayoko na nga matulog.”

Suddenly, Wonwoo felt soft lips planted on his. It lasted for a few seconds before he realized what was going on. The moment he did, Mingyu was already pulling away; and he was beginning to gain himself back.

The younger smiled. “Sa panaginip mo lang tayo kayo paghiwalayin ng kung sinong Poncio Pilato,” Mingyu assured as he pulled a black mask from the car door’s pocket slot. “Nangako ako sa`yong hinding hindi kita hihiwalayan. Ikaw ba? May balak ka bang iwanan ako?” He asked while putting the mask on the face of the older.

Wonwoo shook his head as he stared at his lover. “Never,” he softly replied.

Suddenly, they head a few knocks on the car window before the door was pulled open. It was their manager asking if they’re ready to go. Mingyu was the one who answered and asked for just a few more seconds.  

As soon as the door closed again, Mingyu chuckled as he reached out to plant another kiss, this time on Wonwoo’s forehead. “E di isuot mo na tong bucket hat mo kase iniintay na tayo nung manager sa labas,” he said. “Baka si Seungkwan pa sumundo sa`tin dito, sige ka…”

For the first time that morning, Wonwoo genuinely smiled. The thought of Seungkwan nagging them to get out of the car was funny, but it’s something he wouldn’t want the public to witness. So he grabbed his bag and before he opened the door to get off the car, he looked back at Mingyu who was also fixing his things.

“Sumunod ka agad pagbaba ha?” Wonwoo requested, still with a hint of anxiety on his tone.

Mingyu nodded. "Syempre naman, he replied with a smile. "Hinding hindi kita iiwanan."




---


been so long since I posted here, and since I wrote a short story.
please don't mind this. lol.


 

 

 

Life Upgrade

11:05 PM

What I thought was an ordinary day eventually turned out into something else. I guess I really am a busy person. Each ordeal I got to go through today is proof.

At 6AM, I was already on my way to Ortigas for a supposed briefing and refresher on Cash with Mawie. This is in preparation for me, helping conduct the NEI training for Cash next week (more on this later!). I got to the plaza around 730AM so Mam Joy, my former Regional Head for NCR, brought me out for breakfast and to say we chatted over Carbonara and pancakes is probably an understatement.

I never thought I missed Mam Joy that much, to be honest. She has always been this bubbly boss who I could always joke around with, but never did she really appeal to me as someone who will open up. Probably, she missed me as much, but whatever it is, it's just fun talking so casually to a person I'm supposed to keep distance from.

The best thing about meeting her again was I was reminded on how amazing it feels to talk with people whose wavelength is the same as yours. Especially lately when I've been craving for some actual and intelligent conversation, talking to my previous boss was a refresher. It felt like a break from all the stresses and anxieties continuously building up within. The way we share each other's opinions and once again finding our common denominator -- it meant a lot to me.

Along our conversation, we touched the topic of my status in the company we're working at. I never talked about this explicitly before but just before 2019 ended, I applied for a managerial position in our corporate office in Ortigas. I went through two interviews and both went well, but I just knew it wouldn't be me. The company is so particular with positions that I know I wouldn't stand a chance. Mam Joy confirmed that I wasn't even shortlisted because I'm a mere staff.

That would have normally touched my ego (especially since I've been here for five years already) but what compensated was the fact that despite of our HR department denying my application, I learned from Mam Joy that Mam Rizza, my supposed immediate supervisor had I gotten the position, actually wanted me to be part of her team. As I've heard, she thought I have the potential and that it's a waste if they won't get me.

And to know that there are people who think I am worth it? Man, that feels enough.

Probably really wanting to work with me, I was invited to help conduct Cash training for newly-hired employees next week. That was I went to Ortigas for this morning. Mawie gave me a refresher about cash transactions and policies; and I think it went well. After four years of exposure to these different bank jargons and accounting entries, everything honestly seemed easier.

Over lunch, I was invited to join the PUC On-boarding Team with Mam Joy, Mawie, Sir Oliver and Sir Raf (my BBH in Caloocan). The funny thing is we went there for a shoot, like a real AVP shoot - something I thought I will never do again since I graduated college. It was for this LOL thing which the team uploads on Youtube for employees to watch. Mam Joy was the host and we were joking how we suddenly turned into her PA.

But the gist was I never really thought I'll go back to who I was while in the bank. I mean I graduated Mass Communication and this is what I do. So for the few minutes that I had to edit the script, hold the idiot board, and coach Mam Joy on how to deliver her lines, it felt like I was a student all over again. (Not to mention that we were surrounded by actual FEU students) I mean it, it was really a nice feeling breaking out of the loop inside the branch and being myself once again.

That's when I realized that probably, at 30, I am starting to find direction. Maybe, the past five years was just an introduction and a training phase combined so when I finally get through it, I will be more equipped and more prepared to take on whatever life throws me.

Mam Joy and I actually talked about a lot more things - one of which concerns my employment - but as what Tito Lino had embedded in my thoughts, I'll just cross the bridge when I get there.

At around 5PM, I went back to the branch with Eddross and did my part as a BSA. Afterwards, I had to rush to the church for above all, I am the Liturgy Chairman of the parish and I need to see what's happening with the retablo projects we're trying to complete before the 19th.

Yes, we're unveiling the new altar on Sunday, in time for the Feast Day of Santo Niño.



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I'm running out of words and it's 11 o'clock in the evening already. So let's call it a night. :)




Random #1

9:10 PM

January 4, 2020


I woke up to the news that the weather dropped to 20 degrees in Manila during the evening and Baguio even got 9 degrees. Sleeping in a second-floor wooden room, I could have felt that if I didn't decide to use the comforter. Good decision -- my instincts never really fail me. ♥

Anyway, today was a rather busy yet slow day. A notoriously stubborn client came to the office again and threatened us that she won't leave unless we give her refund. The problem is: she wasn't even our client and the team who was supposedly handling her issues won't answer. Haha. Stupid people. I hate it when I talk to narrow-minded individuals, especially when the intention was to just annoy the hell out of us. Even my regional head had to step in to pacify the client but she was just ... argh!

Nonetheless, it was a productive day. I got to start the refund and organize my files from 2019. I have decided to incorporate what we used to do in my previous branch so I hope we get to move on with our backlogs in the branch. It's gonna take a lot of perseverance but I'm pretty confident about this year. 


---

I can't take my mind off the visa processing. Nobody told me it's gonna be this messy. I shouldn't have bought my tickets early! But anyway, I'm gonna ask for help from Tita Mercy and Kuya Ed, and maybe some friends from the church. I just need to find balance and stop myself from spending too much for Seventeen.

My god.

---

And oh! Mingyu spammed us all with pictures and while I cannot deny his beauty, charm and sexual appeal, my heart settles more on how amazing he is in front and behind the cameras. He's such a personification of arts and I am glad to stan someone this talented. 

♥♥♥

anxiety

Work-Life Balance

8:27 PM

January 2, 2020
Thursday

It's not like people read this blog post so I just want to announce that I started the year broke. HAHAHA. I had to pay something so precious this morning and I am looking forward to February for it. ♥ You see, hobbies need not to be expensive but it's not like I can do anything if I'm already way too deep. Haha. 


--


Today marks the first day of the decade in the office. It wasn't so busy so my mind was just floating everywhere. The presumption that I lost my Bluetooth speaker (when it was just, in fact, inside my brother's room and he didn't tell me until I got home this evening!!!) clouded my reverie the whole day and I couldn't seem to focus. It's not like I can actually focus daily, but you get the point. My morning was basically composed of panic attacks, heart palpitations, and consistent sighs because I need to know where my speaker was. 

Anyway, I had a good start. Heechul of Super Junior and Momo of Twice were confirmed to be dating, and we've been waiting for something like this from Heenim since 2009. I had to think for myself if this is true though. We're talking about one of the dating experts in Korean entertainment so I'm pretty sure something's really up; and it wasn't supposed to be him and Momo at all. 

Honestly, I think it's someone else -- of course, this is still a public space and I can't spill the tea here. But really, I have this huge instinct that it was meant to be this another SJ member but it would cause too much damage once outed. Heenim and Momo had to reveal (or probably just own up to the rumor, we don't know???) themselves to protect this other couple. Believe me, if that gets spilled, Korea's going to go crazy. 

Heenim had always been that guy; and especially now that he's not participating with the group, I mean it when I say he probably threw himself under the bus. He would do anything for his brothers, for Super Junior.

This doesn't mean Momo was sacrificed though. I think they thought it would be a best diversion from all the negative issues surrounding Twice. I mean, Nayeon had been suffering a lot because of her crazy stalker and JYP is currently having a hard time handling all the criticisms which was probably caused by the mishaps in the group's security. 

So basically, it's a win-win situation; and if true, I really pray Heenim and Momo would be strong together. Because they both deserve that. ♥


--


The highlight of my day was from a different group though. Soon was doing the VLIVE again while eating Cheese Tonkatsu when all of a sudden, a still-sleepy Jeonghan appeared. And I was this (-) close to shrieking when I saw the video because I missed him. I missed him so much.

He got his haircut yesterday, probably, that's why he was in the salon when he took photos to upload in the fan cafe. And his eyes were still so dreamy because we all know how much Jeonghan loves to sleep. Hehe. But anyway, he greeted the fans quickly, took a bite of Soon's meal and left. ♥

Just a minute, but I'm glad he looked so healthy and a lot better now. Last night, Cheol uploaded a video of himself too; so... I'm really happy we were updated of how they are. 

--

The joy was short-lived somehow though. Few minutes into the end of our shift at the office, I suddenly had an anxiety attack. Everything suddenly turned sullen and all I wanted was an answer to the question: "Why am I suddenly sad?" My thoughts were running but my head was empty. It was as if there is this huge void within me that I cannot fill up. I kept on listening to different songs but nothing was making sense during the whole jeepney ride home. Something just didn't feel right, like will something bad happen? I don't know.

And then I realized that maybe, I still have to fight bigger battles this year. This got me afraid, to be honest; yet knowing it early means being able to prepare myself up for it. It's not like I can't win. I've been winning for years, what makes this year different, right?

Acceptance, really, is the key. Once you have accepted that there is something wrong in you, you get to design a battle plan to find the actual solution. Talking about my thoughts is my answer; and I wish that if you're experiencing the same thing, you get to find your calm as well.


--

Unedited thoughts again. :p


angel

#SariliKoNaman

8:51 PM

Unang araw ng dekada '20.

Ubos ang oras sa paglilinis ng kwarto, pag-aayos ng aparador, pamimigay ng damit, at panonood ng mga videos ng Seventeen. Sa totoo lang, hindi pa handa ang sistema ko sa pagbabalik-opisina naming lahat bukas pero wala naman akong magagawa. Kailangang kumayod, bumalik sa normal, at kumita ng pera. Marami pa nga pala akong pangarap, lalo ngayong bagong taon.

Kanina ko pa iniisip kung paano ako magpapaalam sa nakalipas na dekada. Hindi kasi madaling iwanan yung nakalipas na sampung taon. Dito kasi ako nabuo eh. Dito ako naging kung sinong gusto kong maging ako -- yung matagal ko nang pangarap, yung taong sarili ang prayoridad. 

Nakakatuwa ngang isipin kung paanong hindi lang pala ako yung nag-enjoy sa 2019. Marami pala sa amin na naging parang culminating activity yung nakaraang taon. Isang dekadang nag-aral sa buhay tapos 2019 nang gumraduate. Nakakatawang ngayon ko lang narealize kung paano ba talaga humarap sa mundo, pero kung tutuusin, hindi naman ako nagmamadali. Mas okay nang ngayon ko lang natutunan to kasi natrain ako ng maayos, kesa minadali kong mag-mature tapos susuko lang din sa huli.

Kaya ngayong 2020, mas malakas ako at mas kaya kong buksan ang puso ko para sa lahat. Nasa training phase pa din ako ng pagpapasensya pero dadating din tayo don. Sa ngayon, masaya na akong madali na para sa akin ang magpatawad. Hindi ako mabuting tao, pero hindi rin ako masama. Balanse lang ang pagkatao, depende sa kung pano ako pinatutunguhan ng mga nasa paligid ko.

Sa pagsisimula ng taon, gusto kong bumuo ng panibagong mga pangarap; pero hindi ako makaisip. Ang totoo niyan, gusto ko lang ipagpatuloy na angkinin ang bawat segundo, minuto, oras ng buhay ko -- kasi akin to eh. Kasama ng mga taong gusto kong makasama at mga bagay na gusto kong makuha at gawin, pupuntahan ko ang mga lugar na gusto kong puntahan; at gagawa ako ng sangkaterbang ala-ala na magpapatibay pa sakin lalo.

Pero kung kailangan talaga na magkaroon ako ng kahit isang pangarap ngayong 2020, iyon ay ang makabalik ako sa Kanya. Medyo inilayo ko kasi ang sarili ko sa pagsubok na kayaning mag-isa. Pero totoo pala talaga `yung sinasabi ng lahat -- kulang ako pag wala sa Kanya. Hindi naman kasi mapupunuan ng pagiging Liturgy Chairman ko ang totoong pananampalataya. Kaya sa pagbaba ko sa posisyon ngayong taon, pipilitin kong buuin ang sarili ko ulit na ayon sa gusto Niya. 

Marami pa akong gustong gawin sa 2020, totoo lang. Pero kung may isang bagay na sigurado, ito `yung pinag-aralan ko sa loob ng isang dekada. Wala nang bawian, wala nang atrasan. Sa taon na `to, #SariliKoNaman.

9:43 PM

Hindi ko naman naisip. Pero sa huli, ganun pa rin.

Medyo hindi ata dapat sa lugar na `to ko `to isusulat pero hindi rin naman masama kung isa ito sa isang libong duda na nasa isip ko. Ang pinagkaiba nga lang, ito yung isa sa iilan na sigurado ako.

Mahal ko ang Seventeen.

Kasabay nang pagpasok nila sa industriya ng KPOP, nagpumilit akong lumabas. Akala ko kasi ikaka-mature ko yon. Kunyari hinanap ko yung sarili ko, pero masyadong madilim ang tunay na mundo para sa `kin. Hindi naman ako takot humarap sa katotohanan pero siguro, mas pinili na lang talaga ng sarili ko na doon ako sa kung saan ako mas masaya.

Ang totoo, bumalik ako dahil sa SJ at sa mga taong naging malaking bahagi ng buhay ko ngayon dahil sa kanila. Ang hindi ko naman talaga inakala, madadala nila ako sa isang bagong grupo na ipagsusulat ko ng mga ganito ka-mais na sulatin.

Kung tutuusin, wala naman talagang kakaiba sa Seventeen.
Pero ito - higit sa lahat - ang dahilan kung bakit wala silang katulad.

Ordinaryong mga bata lang ang mga miyembro ng Seventeen - mga batang mahusay gumawa ng sarili nilang kanta at sarili nilang mga sayaw. Pero yung pagiging ordinaryo kasi nila yung totoong dahilan kung bakit ko sila nagustuhan.

Kailan ko lang naman sila talaga kinilala pero sa sandaling panahon na iyon, hindi ko talaga naramdaman na nagkukunwari sila sa trato nila sa isa't isa. Hindi na yung talento lang ang nakita ko eh. Nakita ko yung tunay na malasakit ng bawat isa sa kanila sa grupo.

Aaminin ko naman. Nakumbinsi naman talaga akong kilalanin sila nung nakita ko na ang pagkakatulad nila sa Super Junior. Pero nang lumaon, bumubuo na sila ng isang sariling pagkakakilanlan sa akin. Oo, nandong maalala ko pa rin ang SJ sa bawat isa sa kanila at sa kung paano sila ngayon; pero sa huli, alam ko pa rin na magkaiba sila.

May pagkakataon na ginusto kong kumawala agad. Nagawa ko din kasi sa ibang grupo. Naghanap ako ng hindi ko gusto at may mga bagay akong nakita. Pero sa pagpapatuloy kong paghahanap ng mga bagay na ganon, nakita ko nalang yung sarili ko na mas lubog na. Masyado ko na silang mahal, wala nang atrasan pa.

Paano?

Ang pinakamagandang bagay kasi sa grupong `to, hindi ko nakita sa kanila `yung sariling pangangailangan na maging perpekto. Nandun yung mga pangarap, nandun yung mga gusto nilang mangyari at maabot; pero hindi nila tinatalikuran `yung kung sino sila noong simula. Malayo na ang narating nung grupo kung tutuusin, pero lahat sila, parang alam na alam nila kung saan sila dapat bumalik.

Lahat nang grupo, pinagdaanan ang hirap. Walang madali sa pagpasok sa industriya ng KPOP. Pero itong mga batang `to, hinasa ng pagkakataon. Kaya ngayon, parang kalaro na lang nila `yung tadhana. Basta magkakasama, lahat kaya nila. Walang iiwanan at walang mang-iiwan.

At ang pinakaimportanteng bagay na nakita ko sa kanila? Hindi sila takot aminin sa lahat `yung totoo: na sila man, bilang mga ordinaryo ring tao, ay nasasaktan at nahihirapan. Maging sikat ka ba naman sa buong mundo diba? Pero ang mahalaga, marunong silang tumayo at bumawi. Lagi nilang ipinapakita sa akin na ayos lang maging malungkot, at ayos lang magkaproblema at mabugnot sa araw-araw nilang ginagawa sa buhay. Basta ang mahalaga, masaya sila sa ginagawa nila at magkakasama silang humaharap sa lahat ng problema, at saya.

Hindi kasi sila takot sa mga tao. Para sa kanila kasi, kailangan nilang gawin kung ano `yung mga talagang nasa puso nila, kasi dun nila mahahanap yung tunay na magaling eh. Tipong alam kasi nila na kung sila mismo masaya, mas makakapagpasaya sila.

Siguro mababaw, pero sa ngayon na kailangan ng mundo ng mga tunay na halimbawa ng pagiging mababang-loob at pagpapakatao, kailangan kong ipaalam kung anong klaseng tao `tong mga batang `to. At dahil alam ko yung kahalagahan na maintindihan natin na hindi sa lahat ng bagay ay kailangan nating maging perpekto, alam kong habambuhay kong mamahalin ang grupo na ito.





The Pressure of Being 30

8:56 PM

I'm officially 30 and I still can't seem to fathom the fact that I am already old. And somehow - one day into this kind of reality - I have come to understand why there are lots of young adults who seemingly couldn't handle life properly. 


When you turn 30 years old, it's as if there's this automatic push to mature. It's like since we're at this age already, we are expected to act according to how the society expects us to. Most times, people are not prepared. Things are forced; that's why in the end, lives get ruined. So unfair.




I really don't know how I've arrived at this comprehension of this part of adulthood. Admittedly, Kim Heechul is a huge factor because from him, I've learned that maturity doesn't always need to show. Not all the times do we need to exhibit the manifestation of maturity in us, especially when its definition is heavily dictated by the shallow thinking of people around us. It is okay to be weird, to look immature. After all, life doesn't really implement strict rules. It's just us, people, who presume that it does. It's not selfish. It doesn't always demand to be taken seriously. Most importantly, life doesn't require us to shed the skin we're comfortable in - no matter our ages are.

To be honest, days before I turned thirty, I felt the pressure I'm talking about. I admit I spent quite a long time figuring out just how I should be. But the more time I spend on it, the more humiliating it felt. And I knew I just didn't have to do it. We are all specifically designed as ourselves so why do we have to be someone else? 

Life is already difficult as it is. We don't need to make it more complicated just to fit in to the standards set by this shallow society. Like Hwa Sa said, "if I couldn't fit in with the standards of this world, then I might as well just be the standard myself."

Cheers to individuality!

9:20 PM

9:01PM
Day 1

It was a rather uneventful day, far from what we would normally expect from a 30th birthday event. I went to church, heard mass, ran errands for my parents, and then went back home to sleep some more. A few months back, I thought I'd be ready for some major celebration as it's the beginning of yet another decade but I guess, that's what age comes with: simplicity and contentment. If not for some friends who suddenly came over, nothing would really happen.

But believe me, it's such a special, humbling and unforgettable day.



First, I got to spend it with my family. Looking back, I think this is the first time in years that I didn't spend the day for myself alone. Although there wasn't a party or we didn't go out to eat, my mom cooked beef mechado for lunch and I just realized how special it really is to be with them as I age. After all, they're not getting any younger as well. That's why when I heard mass this morning, I told God I just want my family to be safe.

Second, the day humbled me like never before. On my 30th birthday, I realized that life doesn't really require you to be so extravagant and powerful. It just needs you to be kind; and living with this principle had indeed created so much difference in my life. It gives me courage, patience and continuous humility. And I honestly look forward to more improvements in myself as I go through the next years and beyond. 

Last, this day convinced me that I am enough. No matter how degrading the world could be to me, what matters most is that I know myself and I stand by principles which makes me who I am. That's what people need, after all -- something to believe in, an anchor to keep us grounded, a guiding statute that will allow us to walk our lives with direction. Remember, no one gets lost when you know where you're going. And I know now where I want to be. 



The past years have been very challenging to me. But on the first day of my 30th year, I have convinced myself that as long as I'm alive, the trials won't end. But I promise myself that I'm going to face it head-on, with a more positive outlook. Because I was trained enough to win.


6:25 AM

May 7, 2019
6:20 AM

It's ten minutes until I start preparing for the new day. Normally, I would still be at sleep at this time. But now that I'm travelling a few kilometers more for work, this got to be my new routine. Wake up at 6AM, leave the house by 7 and hopefully be at work before 8:30AM.

Yes, I have finally left hell. No more bullying, no more talking behind my back, no more making me feel like I'm the ugliest and most foul-smelling bitch they have ever seen. I'm done dealing with the devil. It's gonna be a new start.

Wait, no.. There is no way I can actually start anew. I'm in the same company, albeit the new office mates. But I'm hoping I can be a better person. I mean, the experience in my previous branch had taught me a lot of things. Now, I just have to put into action everything I've learned about self-control, self-development, and all.


9:48 PM

April 15, 2019
9:28 PM | Monday



With the stress of having to travel from Bulacan to Ortigas (and back) for the past five consecutive days, I'm beginning to get convinced that I'm in fact not getting any younger. My back pain is too much to bear that it is actually sending me to a bedridden state; but then I can't just stay still as it's Holy Week, and in this season, no one gets to rest.



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It's Holy Week. Normally, I would be very flustered and worried. When you're the chairperson of the Commission on Liturgy and you are majorly responsible for the turn outs of ALL the events in those seven grueling days, it is not exactly easy to just stay put and see how everything goes. For the past three years, that's how things are for me. 



But this year's different. Suddenly, I don't feel so involved. Maybe it's because I had to prioritize the bank training I attended last week? But it's more like I think my people are already capable of standing, doing things, and making decisions on their own. All I needed to do was to supply the official documents and follow things up constantly. 



Looking at it, I think the past three years weren't wasted, after all. Despite my inconsistencies and my lacking abilities, I want to believe that I managed to instill purposes on the minds of my people. I know it's not really a perfect leadership that I got to implement but it still comforts me that many are finally understanding the kind of service this church is demanding from them. 



But of course, I'm not taking the credits. Everything is going on smoothly because of my people's own abilities. I just want to make myself believe that I got to wake their slumbering passion up.



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Maybe that's the very reason why I'm so sensitive when it comes to my 'leaders'. Lately, I've noticed that I'm turning into a criticizing machine; because my complaints about my higher-ups are becoming endless. I keep on telling myself that it's okay and that nobody's perfect, I just can't help but find faults on how things are -- mainly because I know how it is to be a leader.



I don't want to expound on it but I just hate being mandated. I mean, I follow orders and I act according to the policies and rules. I listen to my superiors even though I know what and what not to do. But despite all these, why am I constantly made to feel like I can't function without the presence of my higher-ups? Why can't I practice my own techniques, create my own set of rules without deviating from the actual procedure? Why can't I feel like I'm trusted?



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Trust.



Trust.



Trust.




How could one expect to be trusted when he couldn't trust the person he's asking it from?





7:41 AM

February 25, 2019
7:27 AM | Monday

It's a holiday today, but it doesn't feel like so for me since I really don't have work on Mondays. But i still seems like I do because of the tasks I need to actually complete with the day.


It has grown on me: the significance of to-do lists. It guides me throughout the day and really helps in organizing my otherwise cluttered mind. There is this undeniable satisfaction in checking each item as done as it really makes me feel I'm doing something very useful in my life - one thing I never really convinced myself I do.

Like yesterday, I went broke once again, but I'm happy to know that I've paid off my Eastwest Credit Card debt and had settled like a third of my Unionbank Credit Card. I also got to pay Joanna and Lee. So now, I'm left with my loan in Cooperative and my liabilities in the organization; plus the remaining balance on my Unionbank card. Once Sheila pays, I'll just put it all on my Unionbank card and deposit the rest to a savings account.

Come to think of it, I'm getting back on track with my finances. Although my salary loan is extended, I think it's already nice that I'm starting to free myself from debts. It's relieving, to say the least. Nothing beats the feeling of freedom from monthly interests and penalties.



-----


A lot of people say that money is important. Well, it is; and we can't discard such fact with pushing love and everything else as something that matters more. Love and everything else matters, but on a different level. We cannot function without money.

But money is a double-edged sword so it's still up to us, people, on how we're going to handle its power. While it's not wrong to depend on it, we need to know our limits. We need to set our boundaries. Money does make the world go round, but it shouldn't let us ruin us. Money is there for us to use. We cannot let it use us instead.


8:23 PM

February 18, 2019
8:11 PM | Monday


Today, I brought Sehun to the veterinarian for a surgery. There's this lump of fat near his butthole, which had been continuously growing since last year. As I've been hearing a lot about cancer cases in dogs, my mom and I had to act immediately. Fortunately, the surgery went well (although Sehun's obviously in pain due to the stitches now that the anesthesia has subsided) and the lump didn't have tentacles yet. He's safe.


I watched the whole medical procedure and it's just so worrying that I kept on murmuring prayers to St. Francis of Assisi, the patron of animals and animal lovers. Sehun on a state of trance due to the anesthetics was such a heartbreaking sight. He was fighting the drowse while his tongue was stuck out limply. While it wasn't the first time I saw him in such state, it was nonetheless a painful thing to see.


That moment, I just realize how much precious my pets' lives are, or other people's pets (for that matter). Along with my mom, dad and brother, they're my family. These dogs are the ones who never left me at my worse. Whenever I wake up to numbness, asking myself why the fuck did I wake up, they'll be the ones to convince me that I had to continue; so I can take care of them or they can take care of me, both way works.


I know I'm not exactly an animal welfare advocate. I am not a vegetarian. But I don't want to discard my ability to love animals. They deserve to be loved so they may be able to serve the purpose assigned to them by God.



8:40 PM

February 15, 2019
8:23 PM




What can be more daunting than to wake up to mornings feeling as if you're back to square one? People are constantly saying that you should be thankful for another day, yet you don't share even a bit of their gratefulness? 

But is there anyone whose joy is genuine?

Life is difficult and we're always painted with monotonous colors. Everyday, we wake up to a brand new beginning, unsure of what exactly we're going to be for that day. We trudge along uncertainties and there is no assurance that we're not going to get hurt. We're a constant work in progress and we never get done.

We are bound to meet pain in this cycle of life. We get to see ourselves in our most unsightly appearances. We are forced to accept that our lives aren't always beautiful.

Why? 

So we can appreciate the beauty we're slowly turning into. 

Life is difficult, but as the old saying goes: There's a rainbow always after the rain.




Everything shall pass.
And then we'll get to see color.








8:45 PM



February 13, 2019
Wednesday / 8:46PM



It's been two days since he smiled. When he learned about the extension of the situation we're currently in, I was there. I saw him as he called out my company. Until today, I cannot forget how his thin lips curved slowly upwards at the dawn of reality. He was trying to be subliminal, perhaps because I was there. I know he was trying to conceal the elating feelings brewing inside his very soul. We may not be close, but I know him enough to know what it meant. It was all so sudden yet it felt like we were in slow motion the moment I laid eyes on him on that very particular moment; and it stuck in my memory that everytime my mind wander off to nothingness, I'll just find myself thinking of how he carefully smiled, and how exactly I felt.



It was terrifying.



Even until now, I cannot shrug off that haunting sight. The look on his eyes was malicious, almost vehement to the point that it made my stomach turn. Despite the lack of words, I could hear him screaming how he is the victor in a war he wouldn't admit he started. As his smile turned into a wicked grin, I dropped my stare and turned my back from the monster he is becoming. I'm not going to deal with devils. They scare me.



I decided to play my part well. Nitpicking on anything I come across somehow became a nice distraction. But why must I deny that I can't shrug off the feeling that there is something wrong with the situation? The heavens cried for more than half of the day and somehow, I find myself drowning into the thoughts of the thousand possibilities of the worst things. This is how it is for people with anxiety, but intuition often gets the better of my whole being; and right now, it's screaming, yearning for justice.



The heavens have been opening its gates again, but only for those who they think are worth it. But how to be worthy? What defines worth? The lady of justice has been peeping from her blindfold since time immemorial. Even the angels are afraid of what their counterparts can do.



It's unfair.



God knows how hard I'm fighting for values forgotten. Such is innate. But the haunting memory from two days ago made me realize that I have already dived into the deepest trenches of this heaven-blessed society in order to expose the fact that people are drowning in the pool of faux power and authority. But slowly, it's getting to me.



Because no matter how much I try, it's difficult to fight... alone.






3D

12:27 PM



Two years ago, around this time of the year, I was going through the darkest phase of my life. I remember being so numb all over as I lie down in my bed; and in an honest attempt to atleast feel something, I had to pinch and punch myself until there would be wounds and bruises in my body. I was so desperate to get out of my head, kept trying everything there is to bring me back to myself - but I couldn't. I knew it was just a matter of time until I self-destruct. I was a ticking time bomb.

Only God knows how terrified I was those days, when I couldn't find anything to hold onto. I was abandoned, left to my own misery. There was no one to trust. Every person I asked for help rejected me, telling me that everything was just in my head. They made me believe I was just asking for attention. I was so ashamed of myself but it was all so painful at the same time, because I know I wasn't going crazy. Something was really wrong and it felt so much like hell that I just wanted everything to end.

But God had plans for me. Just when I was about to do the most stupid thing, I was made to realize how much my mom, dad and brother are the best sources of strength. But the fight kept on, while my family became my reasons to live, I knew I needed another great anchor to keep going.

Desperate to find something to bring me back to myself, I tried to go back to who I was. With the littlest motivation and as my last stroke of hope, I went back to how I was when I was in college. I began attending band gigs again, met new people in the scene, relived the feeling of just being free in the midst of a crowd while holding a bottle of beer. 

But as much as music is therapeutic, I knew there was still something missing. I needed to heal. I needed to forgive.

And that was when I first watched 3D's gig in Conspiracy Bar. Admittedly, I only knew Ebe Dancel as I was a fan of Sugarfree back in the days. I thought to myself that perhaps, it would be worth it to go on a laid-back acoustic gig in a very comfortable and intimate venue. And you know what? It was.

I couldn't remember how it all happened but one day, I just say myself always looking forward to his gigs at Conspi. It became a monthly ritual for me - that despite my very hectic schedule, a night with Ebe's music will still come as a priority.

Little by little, I realized how much the impact of his existence is to me. Suddenly, it all went beyond what he does; and everything centered on who he actually is. 

I'm not close to him or anything. I couldn't even bring myself to ask for a picture or an autograph. It's just that I've watched his TedX Talk, read his tweets, listened to his stories, and observed how he is in person; that I have come to realize that I have found someone I can identify myself with. In an environment so mentally exhausting and abusive, I have found someone who fights the same battle as I do. 

Through Ebe, I realized I'm not alone.

As someone who went through severe depression, he had unknowingly inspired me, so I can find the drive to continue. The honesty of his songs, the imperfection on his examples, the simplicity of who he is as an artist - it all came to me as a message, that in spite of what I am experiencing, life does get better.

Through him, I have learned that life is not always about being happy. You cannot always choose that, because sadness balances life. One needs to feel sad in order to define joy. And what is important is that you know how to handle the sadness. You believe that it shall pass and so you keep going. Life is a constant struggle, and Ebe taught me the greatest secret to winning it: KINDNESS.

Ebe's inspiration made me swear to myself that I will never turn my back on people who needs someone to listen; and I want to believe that despite my continuous lapses and constant imperfections, I'm doing a good job in keeping that promise.

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That early morning of December 29, 2018, after the 3D gig at Conspiracy Bar, I took the courage to come up to Ebe and introduce myself as the girl who wrote the letter he read in a documentary about depression. I just needed a picture, and somehow, be able to tell him that the person he inspired is still fighting. After all, the challenges continued too and somehow it was bringing me to my knees again. So I just wanted a stronger reassurance from the very person who convinced me that I can fight.

And then when he knew who I was, he suddenly held his arms open and embraced me tight. I had to fight my whole system so tears won't fall. As I buried my face on the blades of his shoulder for a few seconds, I got to whisper something I've always wanted to tell him in person:

"Thank you for saving my life again."

I felt him embracing me tighter as he replied, "No, thank you for saving me."


The moment lasted for a minute but in another warm embrace, he told me that it gets better; and I know it will. With God, his inspiration and my family around, I know I can keep going.



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